“Sirius Star" by Unknown.
My shiny, beautiful Nefertiti, (whose name means "a beautiful woman has come,") would appreciate this. Not some sad, mournful reqiem.
Something Hopeful. Bold. Powerful. And Promising.
"With Bold Majesty and Pride!", she said of this arrangement.
from: Donna email@example.com
to: moreno franco firstname.lastname@example.org
date: 05 07 2017 02:24 AM
subject: These Final Words My Love
This is the Cover of her letter. The significance: She had told me while she was making her arrangements that she would never want to out live me because movies that portrayed funerals for soldiers made her sad and she would never want to bury me.
For obvious reasons - this is a REDACTED VERSION of her final missive.
THIS! Is how a HERO signs off.
I do not know if I am a coward or brave – to die before you.
However those are useless judgemental terms.
What I do know with all my soul is that your spirit would never rest if you did not see me dead and buried by you.
I know that.
We both know I would go indefinitely to Valkenberg if you did not bury me first.
And you would do everything in your power to stop that – and that has meant the bravest thing anyone can imagine – you have to let me go.
Gently. Peacefully, in a home you have prepared and provided for me. There can surely be no greater gift of love than this?
I have not looked forward to the time when I would have to write to u – one last time. I have in my mind written so much and reasoned so much more away.
I have said it all. Haven’t I? How could I ever say it differently? I cannot.
These Final Words My Love
I do not know how you will die my Franco. And if I stop to think of the many terrible ways for you to die, I will be admitted to Valkenberg now.
Then we will have the above scenario. In this regard, I feel the biggest failure in my life - to not want to / be able to be with you when your time comes. Not to be able to hold your hand, and wipe your brow.
All I can ‘hope / wish’ for is that when your time comes, you must go into that Undiscovered Country by yourself – whilst you can.
That means with all your mental and physical faculties, as well as any money necessary.
You must die while you are well. You must march into that Undiscovered Country proudly.
You have helped me to be brave, to die – like a Soldier.
There is only bravery to march into the Undiscovered Country here, this
way. What is brave however is to relinquish any control I think I might
have over your future (or Mavis and her family).
And I know this because just before my dad died he said to me: "my girl, daddy can’t protect you anymore, you must let me go", and I draw courage from my dad’s words.
That is brave.
To let go.
He was a Soldier once. Like you.
You are a special person Franco. People can see this. Sensitive people.
There may come a time you might meet someone special again.
altho I doubt that will happen that Maybe one day someone can take care of you the way you have taken care of me.
However, I doubt you will allow that, or even the vaguest possibility.
You are too proud a soldier for that.
It pains me to think of you alone in your white tower in the sky. Or just a friend. someone to talk shit with and share a whiskey.
having read your "Lonliness of the Long Distance Android" and knowing you operate solo like a wolf:
thieves, like prostitutes, work alone LOL.
O drao sao. O puta sao. you said. So funny!
It is hard for me to understand where along the line I became so uncaring to the people that matter the most in my life. I do not know.
But you my Franco, you were born to care and nurture. That is what makes you happy, at peace with yourself and the universe. The cosmos the planet. ME!
at last i have a wolf in my life. albeit a silver-tongued one. just a look into your eyes as your face turns slowly and the shape of your nose. its like looking down a gun barrel.
Donna's last note to me with her gold
Michel Herbelin watch.
i sense so much danger about you in your energy. But Never towards me.
inspite of all the things I have done to push you. you just carry on being
restrained. resolute. but primed to react. but never aganst me.
you said to me my anger is like waves beating against the rock. eventually the waves will make the rock into grains of sand.
But not in this life-time.
Many things have been said about our relationship. Most of it was said by me.
How do you measure love? A great love story?
I do not know. Love can never be adequately described. Love gets lost in the translation.
Life is full of Lessons my franco! WE have taught Each Other a thing - or two, hey?
Sometimes I have wondered if the purpose of your journey was my journey. You will understand this when I say: “I was born to die”. My entire life was the stage set for this. Yours was born to live. You are a Soldier.
MY Soldier. And my lovely Minion
My Franco it is important that you tell your family that I suicided. Please.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. In this regard,
you have my absolute permission to say ‘she succumbed to her mental illness’.
you are MY Soldier. do this One thing.
The stigma of guilt felt by survivors is so bad that they feel ashamed
and blame themselves for not doing more, saying more, being better than
more. U will have experienced this as a survivor in the army. Even Angela
is so sad. She is wise, like Dale. And they are mature in their spirits.
Despite that she was present throughout my first suicide attempt, she is
sad that I have chosen to die – my way and on my own terms. That, I cannot
understand. I do not want to die like her dad, or Daniela’s dad, or Louise’s
husband and so forth.
I want to die whilst I am well enough to die well. Since she has been part of my process for 27 years, she has finally admitted that she feels she has ‘failed me’. She has not.
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED ME MY FRANCO, MY SOLDIER. YOU NEVER HAVE. AND I KNOW
YOU WILL NOT FAIL ME NOW.
I KNOW THIS. BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT WISH TO FAIL YOURSELF. I HAVE SEEN YOU IN ACTION.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM LOOKING AT, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU.
I want to hear the Breath of Angels Everywhere, AGAIN - for One THOUSAND YARDS when you come fetch me in the morning, my beautiful husband.
I have prepared a ‘package', for you for the next few months ahead. Some times I will mention ‘God’. We are both spiritual people Franco. We speak abt it differently. So when I say “God” put your own thing in there. I do not know what else to call this ‘thing’. So ‘God' will do.
Franco as I said, I never thought I would meet anyone as brave as my parents
– not just bec of their end of life choices but bec of stuff they both
went thru that so few people know of. But u r as brave, if not more. The
bravest heart and strong-minded courageousness. There are people who have
silently witnessed this Franco – Dale, Daniela, Angela. The mature and
wise stalwarts. And of course Vinny.
If I had to dedicate a song to u it would be ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ And it wasn't written by Bette Midler.
The right version.....
When you fetch me in the morning, my franco, know I died peacefully.
Fetch me, my Soldier. Bury me well. Eternity has entered my time. I will wait for you, my franco.
As you say, "tell them WE were doing Our JOB!"
I am forever your Immortal Love. Your Donna Darkwolf, Your Donna Mia
Note: My Shiny Wife - The Donna Darkwolf - left me three Gifts:
With dates of when they should be opened. Accompanied by cards. With messages.
Only Donna Mia:
Anniversary of when we found each other - 1 November > Bronze Mermaid.
Christmas 25 December > A Snail (the last living creature she ever saw on 7 July 2017. From her credit card statement - I can see she purchased the Snail 25 June 2017).
My Birthday 1 January > A Purple Dragon coiled around a sword... I was born 1952 in the Year of The Dragon. And she just LOVES Purple.
Donna also left me two Love Letters. One to be opened after 777 Days. The other to be opened after 1000 Days Continue to Part 2
I paid a visit to the place of Donna Darkwolf's Dust-off, the day before
my flight to Egypt, to cast some of her Ashes there, in accordance with
Donna's Memorial Plaque is affixed to the north face of the green beacon facing the south face of The Great Pyramid, where her hair is buried.
Donna wrote: "Take me to Egypt, my Franco, my Dust on the Wind and my hair buried in the Timeless Sands...
And see my Egypt for me, my Immortal Beloved"
The green beacon on the left is the site of Donna's farewell. The red beacon on the right is where I cast her last belongings:
Hair brushes, credit and bank card, drivers licence, nail scissors, cell phone cover, (I am still using her phone), blue silk slippers, nail files, passport.
Donna had never been clear about which light beacon she wanted her Dust-off on.
Sometimes it was "RED". Other times it was "GREEN".
I chose "Green" because it could accommodate more guests, of which there were many.